Category: Lavender “From the Editor” Columns

This is a celebratory issue. Pop the cork on the champagne and let’s celebrate what 2015 has brought us as a community and as a publication. This issue gives us a chance to shine John Townsend’s Spotlight on his performing arts favorites, salivate over Bradley Traynor’s top five from Eat the Menu, and get revved up for Randy Stern’s best Ride Reviews. Lavender Media looks back on a year of great developments, such as starting a new event called SCORE Thursdays for the sports-oriented as well as being proud of our softball team, the Big Gay Moose, for being the TCGSL Division 2 champions. As a publication, we were again one of the top five magazines in the state of Minnesota and we’re pleased to have won a number of Minnesota Magazine & Publishing Association Excellence Awards. 2015 was a good year and we’re happily raising a glass of bubbly to a bounty of shared successes.

Congratulations to the 2015 Lavender Community Award Winners. You were nominated. You were assessed. You were chosen to represent the community with this award. You illustrate how many different areas of life we can find work that needs to be done, people that need to be helped, organizations that need to be assisted in funding, word, or deed. You show us how many different ways we can be role models and fight the good fight. One of you, in particular, encouraged me to renew my Feminist Card for life and to continue fighting for the small potatoes. I am grateful for all of this. Every person in these pages has made a big difference in this community and we thank you for what you’ve done and continue to do. You are in these pages to remind us of how diverse this community is and to inspire us to emulate each other at our best and strive to understand each other when differences arise. And special thanks go to those who nominated you, so that we could shine the light on you and your work.

I’d like to personally raise a glass to Justin Jones, author of “Through These Eyes,” who has written for nearly every issue of Lavender since just before I joined the company in 2011. This is his last issue writing for us as his life has led him to new adventures. He introduced me to countless people and industry talents. He started Lav.fash with Brandon McCray, and they brought both Kyle Lieberman and John Mark on board, all in a voluntary capacity and for the betterment of the magazine and our fashion reach. He has boundless ideas, empathy, introspection, and charm all wrapped into a wonderful man with shining eyes and a soft southern accent. I’ll miss you Justin Jones. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I wish you all the best.

And I wish you the best as well. Have a wonderful holiday season and a very happy new year. Our last issue of 2015 is the Lavender Yellow Pages, so the next time I write will be in 2016. I look forward to seeing you on the flipside.

With love and thanks,
Andy

As we head into the Thanksgiving weekend, I want to share the results of the 2015 Minnesota Magazine & Publishing Association (MMPA) Excellence Awards. It’s a time for me to give thanks as an editor for being able to work with such talented people as well as give thanks for the praise, itself. We all know that there’s something special about being recognized by a third party for a job well done, and I am grateful for the opportunity to put our work out there to be judged by our peers and receive these Excellence Awards.

GOLD
Single-Topic Issue: 2015 Spring Wedding Issue “From Minnesota With Love”

GOLD
Profile Article: “Picture Perfect: Ania & Molly Nadybska” by Kathleen Watson Bradbury

SILVER
Single Spread or Page Design: Feline Rescue – Where Cats Live

SILVER
Regular Column: Playing for the Other Team by Nell Gelhaus

BRONZE
Regular Column: Skirting the Issues by Ellen Krug

BRONZE
Editor’s Letter to the Readers: “Grow Old Along With Me” by Andy Lien

BRONZE
Overall Excellence: Lavender Magazine

As in 2014, Lavender Magazine was again in the pool of the top five magazines in Minnesota in 2015. The pool is getting deeper each year and to achieve this status is something we don’t take lightly. It’s not just our work we’re representing, it’s the community as well. Two of our writers won for their regular columns, showing a consistency in their expertise. The 2015 Spring Wedding Issue was the winner of the wedding issues in the state. The magazine, itself, took Bronze for Overall Excellence. I’m proud of this team and this community.

With great thanks,
Andy

I was working in my editorial logs the other day and noticed that there are only three regular issues left this year, before our year-end Yellow Pages Edition. We’ve got this one, the Holiday Gift Guide, and the Year in Review with Lavender Community Awards. That is shocking. It’s just like the world of publishing, though, to be thinking about things that aren’t seasonal, getting press releases for Valentine’s Day back on the Fourth of July. More of a way of life than a song, let’s do the time warp again.

Because we publish every two weeks, we might be working on stories that are going to be next month or the month after, or we might be dashing to get a story that just happened into the issue going to press. It’s all about being as nimble as we can be. In the print issue, we’re more about narratives than news, more about positives than negatives, more about local than national or global. These factors have helped Lavender be a lasting publication in Minnesota for over 20 years.

But wait, there’s more.

There’s so much more. Electronically, you can get our magazine on the website, and you can also get it delivered directly to your iPad and iPhone by Newsstand. Free as always. We are posting fresh content to our website, www.lavendermagazine.com, frequently. Sophia Hantzes is out there covering your events with her camera, posting photo galleries to the website as she goes. John Townsend and Shane Lueck are talking about a number of performances and productions; and Shane also posts up interviews with national celebrities and Crowdfund Roundups on the regular. Our Sports Page features events, photos, scores, and stories of our local GLBT sports organizations and leagues. The Lavender Yellow Pages are there for you to be able to find businesses and services that support this community. And our Online Calendar, which you can add your events to for free, is one of the most popular destinations on the website, as is the Contests and Promotions section. Bookmark our website and give us a visit when you’re making your rounds online; you never know what might be new on there for you. Follow us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/lavendermagazine) and Twitter (@lavmag) to find out as soon as we publish new stories on the website as well as other important information.

We don’t talk about it in the magazine much, but we’re also the people behind Big Gay News on our website, on Twitter (@biggaynews), and as the first gay podcast. The Twitter following is close to 78,000 at this point and grows each time I glance at it. The Big Gay News podcast began in 2006 and has been broadcast to the world nearly every weekday since. Bradley Traynor was its first producer and host, Pierre Tardif took over the reins a few years ago, and now I’ll be the primary voice with Shane Lueck taking a day or two a week as well. I’m enjoying the new challenges in not only learning more about the global community, but also more about podcasting, itself, and how to pronounce words like “Södersjukhuset” like I had to do on my first day on the job…without sounding like Marge from Fargo.

So, what was I saying about there being only three issues left of this year? Never mind. The point gets lost in the shuffle.

Thank you for finding us, following us, engaging with us, and keeping us going all year ‘round, for the past 20 years.

With you and with thanks,
Andy

In this issue, we’re talking about fine dining. We have a tremendous food and drink scene and I’m always proud to showcase it to the community. This can (and should) be an uncomfortable topic when there is great disparity in our world and community between what people are and are not able to afford. That said, I’m not one who throws out the baby with the bathwater. I don’t think that things should be dismantled when not everyone can attain them; instead, conditions should be changed so people have the option to access them.

Assistance can be as broad as strengthening and maintaining anti-discrimination workplace laws. And campaigning for wage equity so that same-sex households in which both wage earners might be under the glass ceiling can earn more for their work. And working so that health care for broken bones or surgeries or hormone therapy doesn’t lambast household budgets to pieces. There are no finer things to opt-in for when survival is on the line.

Other assistance comes by way of changing how things are accessed. Some of the “finer things” are free, like Mia, the Minneapolis Institute of Art. Some of the theaters have “pay what you can” nights or, as with the Mixed Blood Theatre, there is the Radical Hospitality program which provides no-cost access to all mainstage productions for any audience member. People can go to the Minnesota Children’s Museum on a free Passport to Play from Saint Paul Public Libraries and Dakota County Libraries. When I was jobless, I splurged at nicer restaurants by ordering from the bar menu or going strictly during happy hour. Prix fixe menus are superb ways to taste more for less.

So, as we often do in our issues, this one isn’t just about Fine Wine & Dine; we also talk about various programs that help with gaps in our community, both food-related as well as elsewhere within the hierarchy of needs. Please be sure to look into the programs further. We talk about the GLBT Host Home Program of Avenues for Homeless Youth as part of the excerpt from Ryan Berg’s book No House to Call My Home. In the Rainbow Resources, we give a hotline for the The Bridge for Youth, which provides services for homeless youth in Minnesota. In the “Closer to Fine” piece, I mention La Belle Vie’s final meal being auctioned off in a fundraiser for Share Our Strength which fights childhood hunger.

Tonight [written October 23] I’ll be going with one of our food writers, Joy Summers, to support one of our other food writers, Bradley Traynor, who is participating in myTalk 107.1’s Project Down & Dirty – The Restaurant at The Freehouse in Minneapolis. Bradley and his on-air radio partner, Colleen Lindstrom, with their colleagues, will “design menus, serve food, host the evening, and work their butts off” for one night to raise money for hunger relief. Please be sure to check out the hunger relief organizations that are participating in Project Down & Dirty – The Restaurant: Second Harvest Heartland, a national food bank that sources and delivers meals to food shelves, pantries, and other agency partner programs; People Serving People, the largest  family-focused homeless shelter in Minnesota; Open Arms, an organization that provides meals for people with life-threatening and chronic illness; and The Sheridan Story, a weekend food program which works to distribute sacks of food to food-insecure families to bridge the weekends between meals at school.

We can all be closer to fine, in so many ways. Let’s work on it. Together.

With thanks,
Andy

You’ve heard the saying “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” It goes along well with “You snooze, you lose” in my world. The idea is that there is something out there for us that we want and need, but it’s a fleeting something. We need to hang onto it when we find it. But, good golly, we need to find it.

If we want it. If we’re looking for it.

For those of us wanting and looking, where do we go? More bars than ever are welcoming to wherever people are on the spectrum or the Kinsey scale or the Purple-Red Scale of Attraction (go ahead, Google it…it’s new). The more open and welcoming churches are, the more of a chance there is to find your love in a pew. Book stores, the gym, the light rail platform, the mall, Lavender events (because why not throw in a shameless plug?), sports leagues, performances, volunteering, and Meet Up groups are also good options. They’re the same options we always hear about that work for some people, but those of us who are still looking apparently didn’t find what we wanted at those events.

Looking at the current and past wedding issues, the couples in our Wedding Story features met at a Coming Out event at school (Hannah and Lindsay, pg. 38), at work (Jason and Craig, pg. 46), at work (Ania and Molly, Spring Wedding Issue), and at political organizing events at school (Kevin and Justin, Spring Wedding Issue). Last year’s wedding issues featured couples who met online, among other places.

As someone who’s spent more than her fair share of time shaking my head at the false-positives set up by online dating, I have to admit that I find comfort in knowing quite a bit about a potential date before ever meeting in person, that our politics line up and our personal life choices might be in sync. But, past that, our trajectory is going to be either a hit or a miss, which may or may not be obvious right away. Especially if the electronic matching system has a weird algorithm or the person answering the questions is not truthful. Or, you know, the match was based on a swipe, left or right. (I don’t judge.) It’s a $2.4 billion online dating industry and is it serving us well? Are we too quick to swipe left or right? Are we honest with our expectations and answers? Are there too many options that suddenly there are no options?

I think I nailed it with that last question. In today’s world of over-stimulation, we have way too many thoughts and options and decisions that keep us from making mindful and intentional moves in life. Do I need to pick out a date or should I figure out what I’m making for supper after I figure out which market to go to based on which route is open according to Google Maps? I was all excited about Instacart coming to the Twin Cities and hopefully delivering groceries and other items to me at my loft when a married friend said, “I just don’t get this excitement over grocery delivery.” The answer is in the statement. It’s grocery delivery. It’s one less thing I have to do in my day to make my life work. Because I’m it. I’m the only person in my life making it work. And it’s a constant state of triage.

So, what else can we outsource? Matchmaking. I’m totally down for that and I’m not even kidding. You do the work for me; I’ll outsource my love life to you in a heartbeat. And I’m not talking about Yente from Fiddler on the Roof; today’s matchmaking is more savvy than that. As said by Elite Private Search (“Making Yourself Marriage Material” on pg. 20), they’re “personally recruiting the most qualified matches for our most selective clients.” I’d swipe right for that (translation: I like that).

But what’s the end game? It’s not always marriage. If there’s something we now know, it’s that people can figure out what their own style of relationship and commitment is…which hopefully agrees with what each other’s better half is thinking. If it is marriage, what kind of marriage might it be? Lord knows, this world is full of grey; particularly the rainbow world. When traditional gender roles aren’t the easy (and sometimes horrible) way to suss out who does what in a marriage, what do we do?

Luckily for us, today’s marriage is a hybrid of roles and expectations, arguably for whichever genders are represented. I’ve often wondered about how to be in a long-term committed relationship when I am so self-sufficient that I literally don’t need anyone. Literally. I do everything myself, and not because of being a liberated woman. The people I’ve dated have been single when I’ve found them, which is how I prefer to date, so they’ve had to be self-sufficient, too. It’s hardly a political campaign or demonstration of liberation to do things as an independent person when there is no other option.

And then. But then.

The trajectory of a relationship is still our responsibility. After we’ve found them, we must keep them. Roles will be evolving based on the needs and direction of the people in the relationship. Grocery delivery gets cast aside for a fun evening out with the beloved at the local co-op, because the need for food has also taken on a flavor of want…wanting to spend time together, wanting to please each other, wanting do some menu planning in the aisles. Or, grocery delivery still stays at the top of the list because you two would rather be out hiking or catching a show at the theater. Your choice. Either way, life is no longer such a chore as it is when flying solo. Or at least that’s my view of the greener grass from my side of the pasture.

My hope for us all is that if we want them, we find them. And that when we find them, we keep them.

With thanks,
Andy

I’m sitting at the kitchen table in my cabin, just outside of Merrifield, Minnesota, in the Brainerd Lakes area. It’s about 62 degrees, the sun is out, the birds are singing, my dog is at my foot. The structure is rustic, but the Wi-Fi is better than what I get at home in my loft in St. Paul. There’s a hummingbird at the feeder. The antiques that cover the walls and surfaces aren’t necessarily here to pull together a shabby chic décor as much as because there are so many family members who use this cabin, there is no way to determine who owns what in order to remove anything. We’re one of the fortunate families that shares a property that was built by my great grandparents between all the descendants. My Gramma Ruby’s family splits the summer between the two other siblings’ families. Time is shared, costs are shared, chores are shared, space is shared, décor is shared.

I look around and all I see that is missing is a striped wool blanket. You know, that iconic cream-colored wool blanket with just-darker-than-usual primary color stripes? It’s been a blanket, it’s been turned into a toggle coat, it’s even been made into handbags. But I am interested in the blanket, itself. It looks like fall to me. Or, something to wrap up in on the beach at night as the summer sun goes down and the fire burns brighter. What is it about that look that has stuck in my design craw all these years? It’s both trendy and lasting.

It’s referred to as a Hudson’s Bay wool blanket by Woolrich, a Glacier National Park wool blanket by Pendleton, and a Revival Stripe wool blanket by the Faribault Woolen Mills. I prefer to pay attention to our local company in Faribault and how the company reopened The Mill along the Cannon River after a two-year closure in 2011 and the Revival Stripe was the first release, though the traditional trapper design had been part of the line for decades. What a wonderful choice of design for reentering the market, for a renaissance. And what a wonderful fall daytrip it would be to venture down to Faribault to pick out a flagship Revival Stripe blanket from The Mill Store, itself.

Also in the fiber of my nostalgic being is a wooden boat. Not a rowboat, not even a stunning wooden canoe, but a sleek wooden motorboat. I’m going to try to make it to some of the Antique & Classic Boat Society’s International Boat Show, a full week of curated events that kicks off with some of the world’s most coveted classic boats hitting Lake Minnetonka on September 19 for a preview event. After Minnetonka, boat enthusiasts (I’m going to count myself as an enthusiast) can venture north for the official program, but I will probably try to make it to the competitive boat show held Friday and Saturday, Sept. 25 and 26, at the docks of Bar Harbor on Gull Lake. It’s a free event where we can enjoy music, food, and drinks while viewing more than 150 classic boats. For more information go to www.woodsandwater2015.org.

Speaking of water, another idea for a fall home and garden field trip is to go over to Stockholm, Wisconsin, and visit Alan and Steve at Abode. They’ve redone the place and I love strolling through it to see new art and décor resources and pieces. My favorite fall afternoon thing to do is make a trip around Lake Pepin for the colors. Clockwise or counterclockwise, the experience is superb. The last time I made the trek, I got to Stockholm mid-afternoon and checked out the new layout on the main drag with Abode and the General Store flanking a new, enlarged space for the Stockholm Pie Company with expanded seating and menu. It’s a destination, for sure. Then, after getting our fill, we proceeded south to Pepin for an early seating at Harbor View Cafe where I got my usual, the Berkshire Pork Shank, which is so very tangy and fallish. Hearty and filling, the food on the waterfront reminds me of a satellite location of our cabin, with more knotty pine and blue checkered tablecloths.

This Fall Home & Garden Issue with Lav.fash is a timely resource for those who are considering design, building, fashion, and trends. The upcoming Fall Parade of Homes and Remodelers Showcase (p. 48) allows you to walk through what can be thought-provoking and inspirational, or simply entertaining (see also the number of ads in this issue for other home tours). The new store, Habitation Furnishing + Design (p. 42), in St. Louis Park, had me Instagramming and swooning over things for my loft, such as a light fixture made of black top hats. It also had me wondering if anyone would notice if I somehow spirited the updated and lower-profile version of a Murphy bed into my Jeep (that Cabinetbed with the Tempur-Pedic mattress belongs at my place). John Mark and Kyle Lieberman treat us to the fall installment of Lav.fash (p. 22) which includes more Minnesota brands and styles to whet your appetite for Fashion Week Minnesota September 20-26 (read more at www.fashionweekmn.com).

We’ve got a few months before the snow flies. Get out more, see more, experience more. You’ll have plenty of time to spend at home once winter hits, take the time right now to make it as comfortable and appealing as you can, with a heavy dose of nostalgia or not.

With you and with thanks,

Andy

Apropos to this Fall Arts & Dining Issue, I had a performance experience this week. I gave an hour-and-a-half-long presentation to a group of people in the International Visitor Leadership Program sponsored by the State Department. The topic was the importance of GLBT-focused media within the greater context of human and civil rights for the GLBT community. The participants came from 24 countries with backgrounds in activism, law, health organizations, and media. It was challenging and so very wonderful.

It felt rather similar to when I would act in high school, or deliver a monologue at a speech competition or a closing argument in mock trial. Except I wasn’t acting; I was myself, twenty years older. I was representing our magazine. I was talking about this community. I was giving, what I hoped, would be an objective version of the story of the human and civil rights of the rainbow community in Minnesota. I didn’t know it, but I would have to delve into the history of our Civil Rights Act and give a little primer on grassroots organizing. Doorknocking. Having conversations. I would give a quick lesson on the various ways working for equality has gone — both here in Minnesota as well as in the United States — between fighting in court, at the ballot box, and in the legislature. It would be a fantastic exercise. And it would be humbling.

I asked the participants to introduce themselves, to tell me where they’re from and what their role or occupation is that made this trip relevant to them. The countries that were represented are diverse: Armenia, Bangladesh, Belize, Chile, Greece, Indonesia, Ireland, Jamaica, Kenya, Lebanon, Malaysia, Namibia, Netherlands, Nigeria, Pakistan, Poland, Portugal, South Africa, Taiwan, Tanzania, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, and United Kingdom.

Take a look at that list. I couldn’t recall off the top of my head what the laws and conditions are for the GLBTQIA+ people in each country, but, of course, a few stood out as being potentially deadly and dangerous. After listening to their backgrounds and concerns, I revamped what I would say into four parts that I wrote on the whiteboard: Lavender, Minnesota, Media, and Activism. I had my new conceptual script and I was ready to tell the stories. As I walked through those points, it was clear that each one had distinct history that contributes to how and why we are able to do what we do both at Lavender and in our community and organizations.

And, when it came time for questions, it was ever-the-more clear that we have it so good here. It’s one thing to know that the United States is, with all of its problems, the land of the free and the home of the brave. Patriotism isn’t always ironic or tongue-in-cheek or over-the-top as it tends to be presented. And each of those individuals that was in front of me is brave, in as diverse of ways as each person and country is different. From lands that aren’t of the free, yet are still homes of the brave.

I learned much from their questions. Here is a sample of them, paraphrased:

In my country, the only gay magazine only has pictures of partying on the cover, which is giving the people the wrong picture of what it is to be gay. Do you face similar problems?

What do you do about the deaths and suicides? In Greece, we tend to focus too much on them. I worry that we glorify them.

Our publication only gets about four advertisers in each bimonthly issue in Poland. How do you get advertisers and how do you get people to not hang up on you when you call? 

How do you handle all of the hate speech comments? In Portugal, we collect them and submit them as evidence. 

How is your publication committed to activism?

I answered the questions with both facts and opinions. I tried to give marketing advice while also calling out how delicate things can be and validating their frustrations and fears. The question about how our publication is committed to activism was one that I ask myself often. It was posed by a lawyer from Uganda. He is someone who is currently worrying about someone from home who has disappeared or has been taken by the militia or unregulated “security apparatuses.” It is odd for me to answer his question about if Lavender is still in activism when it’s not the obvious, fight-for-life kind of activism. But, Lavender has stood as an example of who this community is, that it exists, and what it is capable of, in addition to getting political when it’s had to. And, until every other magazine covers every one of the topics we do, we remain, by definition, an activist magazine.

The world may be a stage, but these are more than roles. They are more than actors.

They are living their history. They are the storytellers. They are the future of their countries’ stories.

And I hope they get to tell victorious stories like the ones I got to tell them. Someday soon.

With you, with them, with us,
Andy

As we approach the start of a new school year, it’s time to think about students and education, schools and learning. A concept that has been popping up on my radar for a while is that of “trigger warnings.” When some people and publications post links to articles online that include very graphic or shocking content, sometimes the introductions include the words “trigger warning” and whatever the topic might cover (“trigger warning: rape, attack”). Trigger warnings are to inform people that something might cause alarm or a strong emotional response, a recurrence or a reminder of a past trauma. Then, you can choose whether you want to engage with the content or avoid it.

There is a debate going in higher education about trigger warnings and whether or not they become a detriment to learning. Syllabus contents and lectures are being challenged for their triggering topics on the one hand; that learning can’t happen when one is reliving a traumatic experience. On the other hand, it’s argued that, by skipping the topic due to it being too graphic or potentially traumatic, the risk is that we’re being over-sensitive and providing a disservice to the learning process. That’s an oversimplification and I’m not going to get into that here; instead, I’d rather talk about stopping trauma to begin with.

We’re not in a post-traumatic society. We’re still living what the trigger warnings are about. A college student carried a mattress around campus last year to silently protest campus sexual assault, after her alleged rapist was cleared in a campus hearing. Trans students are campaigning “We Just Need to Pee” because of not being able to use the restrooms that align with their gender identities. Bullying is being written out of policy, but is still a moment-to-moment reality for so many in the rainbow community in our schools. Triggers come later, the trauma is now.

Stop the trauma.

Some trauma is out of our control. Sometimes people are victims of trauma and the situation could not have been avoided with any help of a bystander. What if we can help someone avoid trauma in our daily lives, though? Like plainclothes superheroes? Perhaps when we proactively anticipate and cope ahead for what could be a difficult situation we reduce the chance of a trauma occurring. When we proactively anticipate a difficulty, we can offer to go to the restroom with our trans friends using the buddy system, thereby potentially avoiding conflict (or offering assistance during conflict). When we are prepared for a scenario of bullying, we know ahead of time how to interject and speak up, how to offer support, and how to contact the correct authorities at the school in case the bullying could not be quelled. That when we ask for help or offer help, we might turn around a situation that could have been traumatic and is remembered for the positive that came out of it, instead. It’s a story of victory, rather than a story that would require a trigger alert.

Let’s continue to try to author our own stories on our own terms, demanding support from our schools as well asking support from our friends and family.

With you in solidarity,
Andy

I was working from home yesterday and decided my dress code would be a flouncy floor-length dress with a blush liner and white georgette overlay. I threw my hair up in a top knot, skipped the makeup, and traipsed around my loft as I edited and approved pages of this issue. The whole thing was very regal, in a casual and sporty way. The dress had just arrived from India from eShakti, a company that gives options to customize with our measurements and preferences, for pretty stinking cheap. I tell you, I’d buy local, if locals could do this for me. For $40. My weight and size make that a hefty challenge, but I was as light as air in that dress. I felt pretty and witty and gay. I was like Maria in West Side Story, but without the murder. What an absolute delight for a Thursday.

I’m not going to go so far as to say that I felt like I was in costume; costume implies that I departed from my usual sense of self. Instead, I was finding a new side of me that embraces white and pastel, airy and feminine. Considering that my normal uniform is black with black on black with pants, what is comfortable trends toward what the Sharks would wear in West Side Story, not what Maria or Anita would sell in their dress shop. But, just as our personalities are fluid, so can be our styles. What is said over and over by the fashion authorities in this issue is how there may be certain cues to pick up on when dressing for weddings, but what’s most important is that all of us feel comfortable and authentic in what we wear (p. 36). Let’s do that every day.

I bring up costumes because it’s remarkable to me how many options we have today for what we’d like to wear. When I was a young kid in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, it seemed like costumes were prohibitively expensive. I mean, we wore just the face instead of the whole mask. It was half of a head, literally. I had a Wonder Woman mask that included a facade of a face with black hair to go with my Underoos; today, we can get a wig and makeup with a whole corseted spangly getup for probably the same amount of money. We can be Wonder Woman instead of just dressing up as her. What’s more, today we can put our own spin on Wonder Woman. Wig or no. Makeup or no. Corset or no. And I’ll probably wear the sensible red-and-gold shoes instead of the boots.

Oh, I loved to dress up. I yearned for those awful hard-plastic toy high heels that hung in their packages in the toy section and made sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard when scraped along the floor on little, klutzy feet. I could dress up as a cop or a cowboy or a witch or a model or one of Charlie’s Angels (I had the Kate Jackson doll). I hit a snag when my brother cut off all my flaxen locks and hid them under the sofa with Mom’s “good” scissors, the Fiskars, and I became a boyish little Diana Prince with a scabby chin. But, no matter. Once I spun around and around, I was that Amazon princess with the golden Lasso of Truth and invisible jet. Or I’d punch you if you said otherwise.

And then my feet and I grew and could no longer fit into the shoes and clothes that girls my age wore, costumes or not. Pictures show that I was literally two-to-three times bigger than my counterparts. I was becoming a large, Nordic woman…early. I couldn’t shop where they shopped, I couldn’t wear what they wore, I couldn’t giggle like them. It was too contrived. I was too different. I stopped being interested in style. And that was the rest of my childhood. In that time, I lost the style wanderlust and gained inhibitions. Rules. Polarities. What’s within the accepted norm, what’s on the fringes, and what is unacceptable. I couldn’t see myself getting married. I couldn’t even envision what I could wear, thanks to the rules.

As we think about today, 2015, when rules are being rewritten to include the rainbow community in legal marriage, such changes also extend to style. What was once unacceptable is now legal across the nation. Weddings don’t need to be (but can be) the political statements that some have been in recent (and not so recent) years. The ceremonies and celebrations can be exactly what you and your beloved want them to be. Rainbows and pink triangles and lavender accents are optional. You can do what you want.

When I search the internet for specific magazine wedding issues for this community, I come up with ours and a handful of digital-only specials. Where does this community go for answers? Four years ago, when we started pulling together issues dedicated solely to being Wedding Issues, I had so many questions. I asked the style experts about the rules. Do grooms tend to match? Should brides avoid similar dresses? What happens with rings? Eight dedicated issues and over 800 pages of weddings and wedding-related content for this rainbow community later, there still aren’t really any hard and fast answers. Guess what don’t really exist? Rules.

It’s as if by working outside the rules, this community avoided a lot of them. Sure, we can say that there’s always the chance of heteronormativity sneaking in and what are gay weddings seem straight, but that’s part of not having rules. Go for it. Do what you want. Maybe there won’t be such a thing as heteronormativity in the future and weddings will just be weddings. Have the day of your dreams. Be authentic. Make your bow ties out of your parents’ wedding garb, as can be done by The Bow Tie Shoppe (p. 46). Get custom rings like those designed by George and Rony (p. 48) or have some rebar made into circles or get tattoo rings. I’ve seen it all. And it is all valid and binding and symbolic and beautiful.

When my day comes, if it comes, I might show up to the tune of “I Feel Pretty” in a white flouncy dress ordered off the internet or from the gals selling the dresses to curvy brides (p. 42), or I might just rope my betrothed with my golden Lasso of Truth while sporting a scab on my chin. However it goes, it will be what’s right for me. For us. The world is more open than ever before, for anyone, regardless of who we are, what we look like, who we marry, when we marry, and if we marry.

Whatever we do, let’s do it in our own authentic style.

With you and with thanks,
Andy

I was on a travel writing trip the week we were waiting to hear about the Supreme Court’s ruling regarding marriage equality. When it didn’t happen on that Monday while I was still in town, I alerted Shane, our Assistant Managing Editor, to all of the various news sources he’d need to monitor for those crucial minutes in the morning on Thursday (and Friday as it turned out) to be able to get the word out on social networking and Big Gay News as soon as possible. As someone who’s usually in charge of every waking moment of my day, I was on someone else’s time and schedule; the whole itinerary was planned for maximizing our time to see and learn about everything Kansas City, Missouri has to offer.

Thursday morning, we were in Independence, rather than Kansas City proper. I consider such trips to be equal parts “journalist inservice” and travel writing, since it’s rare that I get to observe and learn from 15 other writers and journalists as were in attendance on this trip. I kid you not, as I was refreshing the Twitter feed on my iPhone like someone with a nervous twitch, I was sitting squarely in the middle of a bench of a mule-drawn covered wagon, clip-clopping through the streets. We were touring Independence, the town of President Truman, as I was waiting to hear about marriage rights for this community; the gravity, significance, and irony of those circumstances were not lost on me. One of the other writers simply asked, “Oh, do you guys cover hard news?” as an explanation for my rapt attention to my phone. I was a bit dumbfounded, realizing how different our experiences and lives were, and how we’re also just both journalists doing our jobs, if you wanted to boil it down. Rather than take over our tour guide’s microphone and lecture on the significance of the SCOTUS ruling to our entire civilization, I gently replied, “I just have to know.”

When the decision didn’t come Thursday, I was disappointed to know that it would likely happen Friday morning, just as I would be landing back at our airport in Minneapolis/St. Paul. Could I feverishly check the SCOTUSblog feed or would I still be en route when it happened? Shane would handle all the stuff on the journalism side of things, but where would I be? As it turned out, everything clipped along swimmingly for the return trip and I was on the platform, getting on to a light rail train with my luggage, as the news hit my screen at 9:01 a.m. on Friday, June 26: “@SCOTUSblog: There is a right to marriage equality!”

I was holding it together so I wouldn’t ugly-cry in public. I looked around at the other people on the light rail train car and nobody was making any indication that they had just felt the earth shift a little, despite being glued to their own little screens. Our train took us underground and I lost signal for the most important moments of the morning, as the news rippled across Twitter and Facebook and in texts and emails. My phone was the most important connection I had to the community I love in those crucial moments; I’d lost my connection to the people who also felt a  similar swell of victory and pride that was in my heart, but not my train car.

That, my friends, is why Pride is so important. What I couldn’t find on a covered wagon in Missouri or train car traveling through South Minneapolis was that connection to a group of people who have the same goals and challenges and concerns and victories in heart and mind as I do. I got off the train at my platform in St. Paul and spent the rest of the day just trying to get to Pride, despite various tasks and obligations. As with many of us, I look back on that day as a throwaway as far as productivity is concerned; what I spent my day doing was “liking” every single post and rainbow profile picture on Facebook, sharing links, and encouraging and supporting the people who might also just have been hanging on to our community via the internet until we could gather together and celebrate.

And celebrate we did.

Our next issue is all about Pride in Pictures; an issue that will commemorate the people and groups who came out to support this community in the time just after history was made. We’ve come so far, we have a ways to go; together, we can.

With you, with pride, with thanks, and with love,
Andy

 

Lavender Graduations

Lavender likes to celebrate the successes of our people and this last academic year brought us two graduates to present to you: Shane Lueck and Steve Lenius. Shane is our most recent employee, having risen from being a student volunteer of mine almost four years ago to now being the assistant managing editor; Steve is one of the two writers who has been with us from the very beginning, over 20 years ago. We are so fortunate to have them with us, advancing our publication as they advance their own development.

Shane received a master’s degree in multicultural college teaching and learning from the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. I asked Shane for an explanation and reflection about his degree:

For me, it just gives me the official paperwork to back up what I’ve already been doing and gives me legitimacy in the eyes of other people. I’ve always been passionate about diversity and inclusion. For example, I’ve spent years leading workshops and facilitating roundtable discussions about gender, race, sexuality, religion, and various other identities. And they’ve always been a hit, but eventually a mentor suggested furthering my education and earning an advanced degree. So, now I have the degree to back up what I’m saying, just for those people who need a little extra convincing that I know what I’m talking about. For my final project, I designed a handbook of sorts filled with tips, tricks, and reflections for how to facilitate conversations of equity and diversity geared toward those people who see the need, but might not have any actual training in equity and diversity. Now when your aunt says something problematic at Thanksgiving or a coworker says something you don’t agree with, you can have some tools to rely on and begin those conversations.

Steve, at age 59, was selected student commencement speaker and a spring semester outstanding student at Metropolitan State University. Chosen outstanding student in the university’s College of Individualized Studies, he was one of 986 students receiving bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate degrees, he crafted his own major — cultural leadership through writing and design — completing a 40-plus-year quest to obtain a college degree. Steve received much credit from Metropolitan State for his various learning methods as well as recognition for his years of work in our community:

[Steve Lenius is] a 20-year award-winning columnist for Lavender, a Twin Cities-area GLBT magazine, and has written nationally and regionally for the popular press as well as scholarly articles. Moreover, Lenius owns Nelson Borhek Press, which has since 2010 provided editorial services and published books, including his own, Life, Leather and the Pursuit of Happiness. He is a long-time activist, promoter, and documentarian of Minnesota’s GLBT and leather communities. Among other activities, Lenius has volunteered creative services for AIDS fundraisers and Twin Cities Pride. He headed a committee that worked several years to bring a national leadership conference for the leather community to Minneapolis, winning a national community-service award in the process.

Congratulations to both Shane and Steve. Their accomplishments and education will only enrich their lives and those around them. We are fortunate to be included in that tribe.