Andy Lien

When I look back at 2017, I know that it will be far from a golden year. There will be no rose-colored glasses or waxing poetic over these first few months. But, what I hope I will see is how life found ways to be vibrant and hopeful in different ways. Something that is particularly apropos for a restaurant issue is how food can bring us together for safety, security, meaningful conversations, and just sitting in silence…chewing. We are very familiar with going to eat at fundraising dinners where the food is similar, the tables are sold, and the speakers are supposed to rile us up to make change and give money. But how about inviting people over for a potluck, having quiet conversation while passing dishes, and putting out jars for free-will offerings for various organizations?

That’s what I’ve found to be feeding my soul these first months of 2017. I’m feeling fortified. And that is the point of hosting or attending a Fortify potluck: it’s about feeding the greater good. The concept came from my friend, Joy Summers, who’s written for us over the years and is currently found at Eater Twin Cities, Minnesota Monthly, and various television shows like Twin Cities Live. As an answer to feeling more helpless than hopeful, she came up with the idea of people inviting friends and coworkers and family members over for a potluck dinner. While her house has the capacity for about 20 people, she hosted at least double that with a whole lot of kids running and screaming and having a good time. When it’s potluck, nobody foots the bill of providing food for all, yet there is always more than enough food to go around. There was a pile of nonperishables to take to the food shelf and three jars of money to give to different nonprofits that could use some help right about now.

So, my part in this will be attending as many Fortify potlucks as I can, digging deep into the couch cushions and cupboards for money to donate and food to send to the food shelf, and hosting one myself. Last year for my birthday, I held a birthday dinner at a Dining Out for Life restaurant, since my big day usually falls on or near that big day. But this year, I’m hosting my big 4-0 at my place and it’ll be potluck…with jars for contributing money for various nonprofits as well as a long table where we can all gather, find hope, and be fortified.

I’ll still be Dining Out for Life as I do every year. I hope to see you out there as well. Find each other, gather around food, help those who need it, and realize that we all might need it, too, in some way, shape, or form.

With you and with thanks,
Andy

Though I’m turning 40 next month and I’ve yet to marry, this is the 12th wedding issue I’ve produced. In a matter of no time, I could pretty much throw together a March Madness bracket’s worth of wedding vendor dream teams for your special day, depending on what you’re looking for, where, and when. Or two brackets. Or three. We have so many talented vendors and unique venues that it’s a snap to come up with a whole lot of people and businesses to make your wedding exactly what you want it to be, done your way.

When I became editor of Lavender in 2011, we reorganized the website and magazine with new categories. Things became more personal by putting “Our” in front of the various sections. “Our Lives,” “Our Scene,” “Our Causes,” “Our Homes,” and so many other ways to indicate that we’re in this together. This community has a membership full of people that are accountable to each other due to shared circumstances and experiences. And, as a community that’s moved from the fringe to the center with the legalization of same-sex marriage, it’s a community that has always celebrated our weddings “our way.” There were no examples out there for same-sex weddings. The pioneers who married each other before it was legal (or when it was legal in only certain states) did so with opposite-sex weddings as the standard, but really did it their own way as trailblazers. They gave us templates to use for weddings ever since, as do the people in these pages.

Such lovely people, such lovely weddings. And they did it their own way too. To give you a few things to think about, we’ve got E.B. Boatner considering whether or not to marry as an older person in 2017, Shane Lueck reporting on what’s trendy for wedding aisle fashion this year, and Kassidy Tarala telling us all about how to design your own wedding jewelry with Stephen Vincent Design Studio as well as giving plenty of options for venues, new and old.

Then, the weddings. Your weddings. Our weddings. The stories, the pictures, the love. Michael and Joel threw a big ol’ brunch for everyone. Tracy and Kristy had an official ceremony, a baby, and a celebration a year later. They did it their way.

Finally, be sure to see the Real Weddings that round out each wedding issue. Go online for additional pictures that didn’t fit into the print version and enjoy seeing the ceremonies, celebrations, and people who are still considered trailblazers in my book.

With you and with love,
Andy

The community received tremendous news this past week. Every day on Big Gay News, I read four stories that affect this community in some way. They’re on our website, they’re in the podcast, and they’re on Twitter and Facebook.  The potential topics of the news stories skew across the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and ally subgroups of people, and might involve celebrities, politics, athletes, businesses, or anything that affects the rainbow community. At the beginning of the week, I reported via PBS News Hour that same-sex marriage laws are linked to fewer youth suicide attempts according to a new study. What an uplifting, heartening report of data to support this community.

According to PBS News Hour, “State legalization of same-sex marriage appears to be linked to a decrease in adolescent suicide, based on a new analysis published Monday in JAMA Pediatrics. The results give more context to the potential effects of social policy on mental health. The researchers found that suicide attempts by high school students decreased by 7 percent in states after they passed laws to legalize same-sex marriage, before the Supreme Court legalized it nationwide in 2015. Among LGB high school students, the decrease was especially concentrated, with suicide attempts falling by 14 percent. But in states that did not legalize same-sex marriage, there was no change.” The study leader and postdoctoral fellow at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Julia Raifman, said that this new research “helps us better understand why we might see elevated rates of suicide attempts among LGBT adolescents.”

The author of the article, Corinne Segal, continued, “While the study drew a correlation between lower suicide rates and same-sex marriage legalization, it did not explain a potential cause for the lowered rates. It is possible that the laws ‘communicated to young LGB populations that they were equal, and that improved their mental health,’ Raifman said. It’s also possible that increased visibility for same-sex marriage, both in politics and media coverage, increased LGB adolescents’ sense of social support, she said.”

Later in the week I also had to report that transgender students would be losing the federal guidance that supported their rights under Title IX to use the bathroom that matches their gender identities. The rights still exist under Title IX, but in a time when we’re seeing how increased support and visibility in politics and media coverage for marriage possibly helps the kids of this community decide against suicide, we need to be ever-vigilant in our advocacy for trans adults and kids whose support in policy and media tends to wax and wane.

Social policy affects mental health. This is nothing new to this community. We know it. Stories from these pages, from our lives, from our families, from our neighborhoods, from our news feeds…they all attest to how this community is always affected by policies and public sentiment. And I will gladly grasp with greedy hands any data that might back up the anecdotal evidence, because we seem to always be building a case for the existence of the people in our pages, in our community, in our families, in our world. This data might say that legalizing same-sex marriage potentially resulted in fewer suicides, rather than definitively proving it, but even a link between the two is fortifying. Feel strength in it. Recognize the power in supporting each other. Suit up and show up. Because, on both large and small scales, we need to be there for all members of this rainbow.

With you and with thanks,
Andy

I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve been reading the news for our Big Gay News podcast for a while now, just recently transitioning from twice a week to do it for every episode, five days a week. It’s a very interesting exercise, both as a professional and a citizen of our country and world. Linda Raines, my coworker, compiles the stories and I read them into a microphone, sometimes cold, not having seen them before speaking the words. I’m supposed to read the news fairly quickly and without emotion or editorializing with vocal inflection. My job is not to be sassy or judgmental, it is to convey the information. A few times recently, I’ve been caught off guard by both the beauty and the atrocity of the news that I’m reading. Both swells of pride and absolute shock at how ugly our humanity is can cause me to choke up, gather myself, and re-record the segment. I haven’t trained for this; it’s pretty much on-the-job training as I go…and as I teach myself. I’m also teaching myself more about the world every day. Through Big Gay News and via so many other sources, I read so much more than I ever have, like I mentioned at the end of 2016. I am overwhelmed by learning as fast as I can and by processing my emotions on the fly at a rapid-fire pace. And this is taking a toll.

In an issue that’s all about health — restaurants, dealing with the death of a partner, orthodontics, and HIV/AIDS meds — the topic of mental health and how to cope with the barrage of news and social media is appropriate. I know I’m not alone in wondering how to handle our current events. But I also know that I have been training for times like these, psychologically, and am better prepared to cope with them than I was to take over our podcast, which is clipping along swimmingly. So, let me share some of what I’ve learned over the years, most of which has to do with dialectics, when two or more ideas are conflicting and we have to figure out how to operate despite their existence. Sound familiar? On so many levels. And, hey, I already paid the copays and premiums for this information. It’s all yours to do with what you will.

The first idea I have to remember before stepping foot into coping with the conflicting ideas around me is that there are things I can control and things I can’t. This is a foundation for programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and The Serenity Prayer as well as just a plain old way of fact-checking our worlds. Because, when we make sense of our worlds with a one-two punch of thoughts and feelings, we often need to step back and ask, “But is that true?” and “Can I control that?” before proceeding with processing what’s happening. And, we know it’s true that we don’t have control over a great many things, so focusing on what we do have control over is key for our health.

Reading as much as I do is one way of having control over things. If there is something that has happened and I start reacting to it, I know that the more I can learn about it, the better I will feel, even if I can’t do anything about the original situation. My second tip for coping with news is to find reputable sources for the information. I used to look at some of the sources being shared out there, and I’d shake my head that people who don’t share my views would fall victim to such shoddy writing and reporting…but then I realized that many of the sources that fall into my own points of view also manipulate me with wonky ways of presenting information. I have found that the closer I stay to reading the sources that mostly report the happenings instead of editorializing on them, the more peace I have in my mind and heart. Because, when the sources go into opinion and clickbait to get people to read, they are often needlessly sensational and more doomsday than fact-checking would support.

It’s like talking to two people who have different versions of a car crash and not being able to suss out the actual truth of the matter, so I look to the smashed vehicles to tell me the story. Thankfully, there are sources out there that give us simply the information about the crash, the condition of the cars, the situation before the crash, and other context, even including statements from the two drivers. But, when a source leads with the opinion of a driver or an onlooker, and only sticks to that story, is when we all need to look further to supplement that opinion with the actual facts presented. Lord knows, I love an opinion that matches mine and I wouldn’t mind if it were the only side of the story presented. But, we all know that there’s more than one side to every story, and the more we can understand about the situation, the better informed we will be. Then, the better informed we are, the more equipped we’ll be for coping with the bigger picture.

But what happens when we are overwhelmed with information and opinions and stories and news? The third tip I’ll put forth is to reclaim your mindfulness. Mindfulness is being grounded in your present moment, under your current circumstances, thinking and feeling what is happening right now, to you. Not in the future, not in another country, not in the chambers of congress, not in a march. Right now, I am sitting in my green chair and typing this piece. I am putting my thoughts and feelings into my fingers and the keyboard and seeing them appear on the screen. My dog, Grendel, is snoozing on the couch waiting to cuddle, and my coffee is cooling down.  I am privileged in my safety and comfort. My apartment is secure, my lap blanket is soft, and my muscles are tense, so I could probably calm down a moment or two. This is my greatest challenge, being mindful. It’s hard to slow myself down and just acknowledge that, though I am worried and angry and reading everything I can get into all the tabs open on my screen, I also need to take the dog for a walk soon. Dialectically, my goals for saving the world have to be balanced with living my life. So, how do I do that?

Mindfulness is a broad, broad topic, and I recommend looking up mindfulness techniques. Some things work for some people but don’t for others. There are times when imagining I’m a leaf on a river, floating along and being in control of nothing works very well, but there are times when I just need to squeeze my fists as hard as I can to remind myself that I have strength and power, but when I unclench my fists I am also reminded that I also need release and rest, and that it can feel good. I am a big fan of finding — and making time for — self-soothing exercises. What do I like to do that will keep me from coping in unhealthy ways? I like curling up with Grendel and binge-watching shows on Netflix, keeping my screens away from me so I’m not distracted by news. I cook and listen to audiobooks because I can’t be preoccupied by news and current events while stories are filling my ears and I’m wielding a sharp knife. Or, something I never knew about until recently but is one of my favorite concepts, I can put the worry aside until later. Because, no, it doesn’t serve me to deny the fact that I’m worrying so much lately, but I can tell myself, “You know what? You’re working right now. Why don’t you worry about this later, after you’ve written this story?” Some people actually set aside some time in their day to go over their worries. I haven’t quite gotten my life structured in such a way as to schedule in the worry, but I think it can be a great way of handling our world today.

Lastly, we are humans who are operating at a high level of activation lately. That means that many of us are toward the top end of our personal zones of what we can tolerate, in terms of our thoughts and emotions. When we know that we are on edge, easily reactionary and upset, or even likely to go the other way and just shut down, we need to disengage for a little while. When we are activated, triggers can be big and little…but they can send us reeling into a space where we might become even more stressed or fall into despair. So, as a fourth bit of advice, I encourage you to look at yourself and try to sense where your window of tolerance is and try to stay within it. Because when we keep doing what we know isn’t doing us any favors by pushing our boundaries, it turns into that we’re literally causing our own struggle to continue.

If you find that you are inundated with what your social media is shouting at you, turn it off for a while. If the TV is becoming too much to pay attention to, limit your viewing. If your personal relationships tend to churn through politics a bit too much, change the subject once in a while. And, as much as I’m giving this advice to you, I’m giving it to myself. I need to balance out bad news with good news. I need to find ways I can help. I need to smile more. Sing more. Cuddle more. Those ideas help me, rather than leave me in a perpetually defensive stance. Let me validate you and that our concerns are real, no matter if we’re talking about the news of the political world or the news of our private lives; your head and your heart are always trying to make sense of things. And the better prepared you are to take care of yourself as you figure things out, the better your outcome will be.

I won’t diminish how things might feel right now to many people. I will say that we have plenty of control over many things, including how we react to what’s happening in our world in big and small ways. No army can fight on an empty stomach, but neither can we stand strong if we are mentally exhausted and psychologically beyond our limits.

As another method of mindfulness, I give thanks. I recognize the beauty in this community. The resilience, the courage, the perspectives, the strength, the solidarity, and all the other aspects that have made this community into what it is: a successful force that will not be silenced.

With you, with love, and with thanks,
Andy

Lately, I’ve seen a little backlash against the idea that the difference of a day on a calendar from 2016 to 2017 means that the world starts fresh and new. I agree, it’s a little arbitrary to say that everything changed when I woke up on January 1, but it’s still a nice concept that we get a little refresher every year. A slight reset. Calories still count the same. Bills still cost the same. Politics are still as they are. The people you see every day are hopefully still there (or not). A job maybe gets a little breather after having a day off, if you get one. It’s a way for us to reframe and shift our thinking a little. And it’s a time to remind ourselves that we do have some control over our worlds. We can approach things from a new perspective. Our habits can be shifted a bit. We can intentionally change lanes. And we can be healthier in body, heart, and mind.

This issue may seem like a bunch of events. Some cool clothes. A funky new place to eat and spend hours indoors, having fun with other people. But look at the piece on seasonal depression and let that frame a bit of this issue for you too. As we start this new year, the days are already getting longer, but the air is still cold and biting. It’s a time when we burrow into our insular worlds a little more, something that can be detrimental to our well-being. I tell you, my world with my dog, Grendel, can be pretty small and stifling if I stay in it too long. I’m not a full-on extrovert, but I can actually feel my body become restless when I haven’t seen anyone but my dog in too long a time. If you’re at all similar to me, you can look at this issue as a guide for how to make sure we get out there and stay engaged in the world. And, as my people the Norwegians say (I’m sure it’s not just their saying), “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes.” So bundle up and be weather aware, and get out there.

And, please, keep an eye on each other. Reach out. Check up. Drop by. Answer the phone. Heck, dial the phone. Extend yourself. Considering how many in this community surround themselves with chosen family rather than blood relations, it’s important to be there. Be each other’s keeper, particularly when the days are dark and cold. Especially when the weather might forecast a “cold with a chance of dismal.”

With you and with warmth,
Andy

2016. I don’t think I have ever read as much as I did this year. Articles, thoughts, worries, warnings, history, self-help, obituaries, tributes,  and as much whimsy as I could throw in for balance. I’ve even kept a nice instructional article from the Star Tribune detailing how to make a 2016 dumpster fire ornament, which I will likely add to my tree this year. Art as therapy. I’ll take it. But what I find to be more important than soaking in words until my fingers get pruney is people — relating in real life, being with them in body, hearing their thoughts, showing up as a form of solidarity. A friend threw a potluck a few weekends ago, just to get people together to remind us that we have each other and that is such a good thing. We are a good thing.

There is such goodness in people. I tell you, if you ever want an upper, run a contest asking people to submit others for recognition with the stipulation that they have to give reasons why a person deserves an award. Honestly, I say this is my favorite issue of the year because I love giving people recognition; but, perhaps more than that, it’s because I get to learn why others think someone should be recognized. This year, the Lavender Community Awards recognize eight people and organizations. We talk about who they are and what they do and where they involve themselves and for whom. That’s what so much of this is about: who these people help and why. And what others see in the work they do.

From the submissions, I read about many other awards that some of these people have received as well as all of the different roles they play for different organizations. I learned about particular circumstances when they stepped in to help and stand up for others.  Words like “tireless” came up multiple times as did “help,” “advocate,” “defense,” and “fight.” Some of the winners might be fairly new to the scene or have started newer programs or groups to address the continuing needs of this community, others have been fighting the fight for years and years. There are artists and organizers and leaders and lawyers and volunteers and friendly faces. What it all underscores is that there is so much that has been done in and for this community, and there is still so much more left to do. And what I wish for so many of the leaders and volunteers in this community is some sort of fuel of goodwill for their tirelessness. Because helping, advocating, defending, and fighting is hard work, as is pulling people together to form new alliances and support groups and work groups and audiences for the art that helps best express the challenges and triumphs of our days. I give a heartfelt thank you to both the recipients of the 2016 Lavender Community Awards as well as the people who nominated them. Good begets good.

Also of tremendous worth is the Arts Best of 2016 feature by John Townsend. John, through his Arts Spotlight and countless online reviews throughout the year, provides great fodder for understanding his choices and awards for the stars of our performing arts community in 2016. It is through the arts that we expand how we think and feel about our world, and I am ever so grateful to the people who give us these gifts…show after show, script after script, note after note, step after step.

I will take from 2016 the beauty of people, the hearts of the tireless, and the comfort we can find in each other. Have very happy holidays and I’ll see you in 2017.

With you and with love and thanks,
Andy